Ted Cruz had five mistresses? I can't find one woman who would sleep with him

The National Enquirer should retract their outlandish story that Sen. Ted Cruz had affairs with five women outside the bonds of his holy matrimony.

After this incredible and scandalous story broke, I was personally so outraged and disgusted that I did just like a candidate would do and hired a very expensive and classy research firm to do a poll.

It was time to make America not just great again, but time for all Americans to know: Was Ted great in bed?

The nationwide survey showed that the truth is much more shocking even than the allegation that Ted had five lovers.

Tragically, pollsters could not find one woman in the United States, Puerto Rico, Guam, Northern Mariana Islands, the U.S. Virgin Islands or American Samoa who wants to have sex with Ted Cruz.

Even the high-priced D.C. call girl alluded to in the Enquirer story immediately gave up sex, fired her answering service and sued her madam for creating a hostile work environment just for sending her out Cruising. “I thought my booker said Tom Cruise!” Mistress X told a source. “Imagine my horror when a man opened the door dressed as an apostle!”

Meantime, evangelical Cruz is righteously furious with Donald Trump (and his slimebag-in-residence Roger Stone), whom Cruz believes leaked the story to his best bud, David Pecker, owner of the Enquirer (Trump is the only candidate the Enquirer has ever endorsed). Trump in turn is righteously furious that a pro-Ted PAC reposted old, naked modeling pix of Mrs. The Donald, Melania.

Not that the naked Melania pix seemed to have done Trump any harm.
MATT YORK/AP
It gets worse: A crazed Cruz incoherently announced, “Let me be clear. Donald Trump may be a rat, but I have no desire to copulate with him.

Seriously, why bother being a rich and famous guy who — when the wind blows — stands 75 feet tall in his hair, if he can’t have a woman who looks spectacular naked?

On Friday, the sleaziest presidential race in history got even weirder and sleazier when some of Teddy’s alleged beddies were outed and one of them is supposedly none other than Trump spokesperson Katrina Pierson.

Why would Trump out his own spokesperson? Is it that by shadow-outing one of his own he looks innocent? That’s not below a Roger Stone dirty trick. Or was it maybe all the, ah, trick of Little Marco, as rumor has it?

Pierson immediately issued a fierce not-denial: “What’s worse? People who actually believe the trash in tabloids, or the ones who know it’s false & spread it anyway? #stupidity on all levels.” Then, later, the catty, “Of course the National Enquirer story is 100% FALSE!!! I only speak to myself, however.” What? So the other women did sleep with Ted?

But the most horrific moment was still to come: A crazed Cruz incoherently announced: “Let me be clear. Donald Trump may be a rat, but I have no desire to copulate with him.” That thought is enough to cause mass suicide!

The GOP convention might need paper stadium seat covers to prevent STDs.
EXPRESS LINES

Trump the Twitter twit posted: “President Obama looks and sounds so ridiculous making his speech in Cuba, especially in the shadows of Brussels.” He posted this as he himself was in the middle of a my-wife-is-hotter-than-your-wife fight with his opponent.

. . . Sen. Ted Cruz thinks he’s the only man who can keep us safe from terrorists because he’s proved this by his Senate record. Right. Muslim-hating Cruz missed 94.7% of the Senate votes since January, according to Govtrack.us and has the third-highest absentee voting record. Safe and sound and MIA.

. . . Wife of rocker/“Soprano’s” alum Steven Van Zandt, Maureen Van Zandt, told J. Lo to F.O. after Lo forgot Little Stevie’s name on “American Idol.” “Really @JLo needs to f--k off,” she tweeted. Seriously? How could anyone forget his name? It’s Silvio Dante. Duh!
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Adele had respectful comments about the pressure to breastfeed.

HELLO, CHEF’S A BOOB

Adele gave incredibly annoying TV chef Jamie Oliver what for — or make that WTF — at her concert in London last week after he mouthed off on breastfeeding. The know-it-all chef, whose wife is expecting their fifth baby, said he’s going to launch a breastfeeding campaign.

Really? When asked by a fan at her concert during a Q&A what she thought about Oliver’s quest, Adele respectfully answered, “Do you know what? The pressure on us is f-----g ridiculous and all those people who put pressure on us.”

In case fans didn’t get it, she added, “It’s hard, some of us can’t do it. Some of my mates got post-natal depression from the way those midwives were talking. Idiots.”
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President Obama waves upon his arrival to the Cathedral Havana in Cuba. When a terror attack happened in Brussels during Obama's trip, GOPers demanded that POTUS immediately stop making peace in Cuba and return to D.C. so he could do — what? — make war on Belgian terrorists?

GIMME A BREAK, CLOWNS

Nero fiddled while Rome burned, and President Obama tangoed while Brussels was bombed!

Disgraceful, distasteful, disloyal, not to mention, disgusting. Right? No.

Last week, as soon as the Belgian terrorists struck, GOPers demanded that POTUS immediately stop making peace in Cuba and return to D.C. so he could do — what? — make war on Belgian terrorists?

Sit in his office to keep us safe from all Belgian Muslims?

Close our borders “until we can figure out what’s going on?”

Issue an executive order forcing all U.S. police departments to patrol Muslim neighborhoods?

Hell, it worked for the Nazis. They called it the Jewish Ghetto Police.

Those are just some of the actual unpatriotic and terrifying ideas spewed forth from the filthy mouths of three of the Republican presidential candy asses, er, candidates.

Perhaps these pre-POTUSes are remembering how many world leaders rushed back to their capitals when the Boston bombers struck. Oh, right. None.
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Jessica Biel just denied she’s pregnant, saying the small round protrusion between her hips is really a “gut.”

THAT’S A REAL KICK IN THE GUT!

Jessica Biel just denied she’s pregnant, admitting that the small round protrusion between her hips is really a “gut.” That’s what passes for a gut in Hollywood? If so, what hope is there for the rest of us whose days of playing a washboard on our abs were, well, never? No hope, that’s what.

Well, not really. There’s always the chance of being called upon to fly over Macy’s on Thanksgiving.

Pope Francis Honors Refugees With Foot Washing Ceremony
Inform

TONY GENTILE/REUTERS
Pope Francis leads the Palm Sunday Mass at Saint Peter's Square at the Vatican last weekend. On Holy Thursday, he set an example by washing the feet of refugees.

WAY TO GO FRANCIS

All pseudo Christians — those filled with hatred for refugees be they Muslim, Hindu or even Christian — should look to what Pope Francis did last week and remember what Christianity is supposed to be all about.

On Holy Thursday Popes have traditionally washed the feet of 12 Catholic men, as Jesus washed the feet of His apostles. Francis changed up the tradition and this great and humble man, who truly lives Jesus’ words, washed and kissed the feet of 12 people all right, but they were Muslim, Christian and Hindu male and female refugees at a center outside Rome.

And then, because he is the most unselfish man on the planet, the pontiff took time out to pose for selfies!